Imagine you're at your job and your boss is standing over your shoulder while you're trying to work saying things like "Why are you doing that? What's wrong with you? I think somebody went to bed too late. Look at this place! It looks like a tornado went through here! That's not the way to do it. Don't you ever listen?" By the end of the day you'd be wondering if you can do anything right and why he doesn't just fire you already. We can fall into this trap as parents. That line between necessary correction and a critical spirit can get blurry. It's so easy to see the faults in our kids. Some days it can be a giant neon sign flashing at you, "Look at me!" Why is this? Because the neon sign is also saying "You need to do something about this! You're the parent! If I fail, you fail!" Of course no one is perfect and if you have a hard time recognizing your own faults, then dealing with the faults in your kids will be an uphill battle that will never be won. I know because I'm a recovering discouraged perfectionist myself.
We need to train ourselves to focus on the positive. The ol' "catch 'em doing something right" parenting tip is a gold mine. When your kids are playing nice together and getting along- tell them! And watch the giant beaming smile spread across their faces. As Karol Ladd writes in her bestselling book, The Power of a Positive Mom, "There is no better stimulus to motivate young people toward goodness than the knowledge that their best qualities are noticed by mom." Kids crave attention like I crave chocolate during PMS, persistently and uncontrollably. If they don't get it through positive means, they will seek it by negative behavior.
One way to squash the critical parent in you is to focus on your kid's talents. Notice I said their talents, not your talents or the talents you wish they had. Let's say you're really good at yodeling. Yodeling is your passion. You were even once the National Yodeling Champion. You want your kids to follow in your yodeling footsteps. But, what's this? They're not interested? They don't want any part of your yodeling family fantasies? Do you force them to yodel? No, you let it go. As much as it pains you. Don't live vicariously through your children and don't punish them if they can't kick a soccer ball like Mia Hamm. MJ had a friend who's father gave her 5 dollars for every soccer goal she scored at her games. And I actually heard a mother say after her daughter missed a goal "Oh, she's in so much trouble when we get home." And if you could have seen her face, you'd know she wasn't joking.
I can't draw. I couldn't draw my way out of a cardboard box, if that was the way to get out of a cardboard box. Maybe that's why I appreciate art so much. And why I appreciate the fact that MJ can draw her way out of a cardboard box. She has a natural talent for it that she got from her dad who can also draw his way... ah, forget it. Encourage their talents, even if it's something you don't share with them, actually, especially if it's something you don't share with them. Kids naturally want to please their parents and you don't want them to take up yodeling just to please you or they'll be doomed to a lifetime of decisions based on what others expect from them.
Most importantly, be patient. Not just with your kids, but with yourself. If you get to the end of the day and you feel like all you've done all day is bark orders, forgive yourself! And ask your kids to forgive you- trust me, they will and they'll appreciate not only your honesty, but your ability to recognize your imperfections, which will in turn help them not to become perfectionists themselves.
I leave you today with some wise words:
Use what talents you possess; the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best. ~Henry van Dyke
Imagination gallops; judgment merely walks. -Proverb
Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing. ~Harriet Braiker
To escape criticism - do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. ~Elbert Hubbard
Once you accept the fact that you're not perfect, then you develop some confidence. ~Rosalynn Carter
And my personal favorite:
If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. -Henry David Thoreau
